Wow, this has been a fabulous week. I came to the conclusion today that it would be better to just accept the fact that my mom is somewhat defective in the parenting department and move on. It's too late to fix this puppy. I don't think she ever really had much interest in her children beyond grooming them into the sort of people who she could talk about in those damn christmas letters without embarrassment. Needless to say, she didn't do those sort of letters for long. She seems to feel the same sort of remoteness for her grandkids, surprise. She was never one to bundle up the baby and snuggle for hours just because she wanted to - more like she would come and do it because it was her duty. And she let you know.
I find this very sad and really hope I'm not like this. I don't think so. God knows I have my issues but I hope this isn't one of them.
On an unrelated (?) topic, I find the quality of the friendships I've cultivated in the last 10 years (actually I think I can carbon date the start of this to when steve left) is much better that it used to be. Sure I have old friends, but in general those were... not particularly equal or healthy relationships. These days my friends are amazing people. I would ask them for the world if I had to (OK it would still be an effort, but I could do it) and give it right back to them when they needed it. Yes, I'm a moody, cranky, intolerant bitch. I wonder why anyone puts up with me? Regardless I am truly grateful and I would never (knowingly - I was drunk!) stand them up for anything. Blah blah blah. What's the point of this? I dunno - I'm depressed and need to find something good in my life? It's a challenge.
More positively - I went to the finals last night expecting to be a grunt volunteer. I wanted to watch the game.
since I figure it would be good. And it was.
However, I got sucked into doing stats which is somewhat less than low stress. In fact, I was penalty wrangler, which meant listening to the refs and transmitting their calls to the penalty tackers. Which I'd never done before. And did I mention it was the FINALS??? Har. So me and my crazy ass dress + groovin' pink NSO shirt spent the entire game tripping around in circles after the refs. I somehow managed not to fuck up completely, much to my everlasting relief. AND THE CHICKS WON! I am SO pleased. I lave me some Chicks. And the Gores, but they usually annihilate everyone. The Chicks have really come into their own this season. (Did I mention this is on Rogers next weekend? Must find someone with cable to let me see it. I hear the game was awesome. All I saw were the refs. Who are awesome too.)
New derby name: Free-Range Clam. Appropriately trashy, somewhat sexually ambiguous. What more could I ask for??
Day 6 of "thinking". I'm losing hope. I can't believe I lasted this long. Hope/blind optimism/stupidity springs eternal in my wasted emotional shell.
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