You can't teach an old horse...

Ha.  So much for the new me, able to deal with uncertainly, to relax and let things slide.  You know why?  Because that person is a DOORMAT and I don't want to be a doormat.

Notice I'm not saying I *won't* be a doormat - just that I don't like it.  God, that would require me taking a stand, being confrontational, having a backbone.  My problem is that I had a backbone at the beginning, we discussed this shit and sort of resolved it and now I am not doing anything about it.

Problem - as usual - communication.  I leave it all up to him and then get all hinky when things don't proceed as I think they should.  So stupid, though.  He's not psychic, he hasn't done anything wrong, it's just that I won't man up and say I have an issue.  And of course we all know why - because I don't want him to walk away.  Yes, I know, if that makes him walk away I don't want him in the first place but it's so easy to say and so hard to do.

So I'm going to set myself a time limit.  You can enjoy (?) the two weeks that the kids are away, make the most of that (if anything even comes of that - I have a long history of spending my free time alone) and then see how things are after that.  If you pull the plug after that you won't feel like you chucked away all that potential action (mmmmm... action).

Remember, being a doormat is not attractive.  Really.  And he likes you, he really does -  you're just taking his issues and turning them into an opportunity to be the old passive sappy you.  DO something, then you can blame him if it all goes to shit instead of taking it all on yourself.  You are awesome.  It won't be your fault if this doesn't work out, and as you have discovered it's not your only opportunity for good sex.  Good sex is 80% in your mind and 20% a competent partner.  Yeah, so you like him.  Do you want an inevitably on again off again drag me through the rosebush relationship?  Nope, I didn't think so.

Screwing a 35 yo dude?  Not sure how I feel about that.  Screwing a 35 yo dude who's never been with an "older" woman?  Could be a psychologically traumatic experience for yours truly.  Only if he's as asshole, though, and I should be able to figure that out before we hop in the sack.

Relativity

How long is "time"?  Sound pretty open-ended to me. 

Spidey Senses: 1

Dude and I had this looooong discussion last night where he unburdened himself of lots of baggage... to what purpose, I'm not sure.  To make me understand him?  I don't.

Dude needs TIME.  God, I've heard that before.  I couldn't even bring myself to ask how much time he thinks he might need to decide whether I was worth fitting into his life, which is what it boils down to.  He can say he's confused till the cows come home but what dude doesn't just go for what they want if they want it?  It all just screams backing away at warp speed.  I must be really great in bed.

I am not going though this train wreck again.  One day of sobbing into my keyboard is pretty much as much as I can take, and my hair hasn't finished growing back from last time.  (Hmmm ...think what a supermodel I'd be if I lost another 50 lbs, though).  My bullshit meter is going off like a mad thing.  Nobody avoids a relationship because they're worried they'll hurt someone - it happens all the time and people get hurt and move on.  C'est la vie.  Me invading your space?  Being too demanding?  All those are reasonable (and probably much more valid) reasons.  So man up and say what the problem really is.

Speaking of, you'd think being all (relatively) thin and fit would have made a difference to the quality of my sex/relationship life.  Nope.  Not. At. All.  I find this completely disappointing.  I guess before I could have blamed my perennially single status on the size of my ass, but now what?  I guess it really is my stellar personality.  How depressing.  Yes, I like it for it's own sake, because I feel better and my clothes fit better and I'm more comfortable but really - it's not life changing.  Which sucks.

I want a Big Mac.

SERIOUSLY???????

How many child support cheques can one man bounce???? Feh.