Drinking the Koolaid

Roller derby is a force to be reckoned with.  It is a fantastic way to stay in shape, meet new people and have a hell of a good time.  But it can quickly spiral out of control.

It's the drug that fixes everything for me.  It takes away my hangover, my cold symptoms, my bone-deep fatigue, my angst about my kids and my personal life...  I notice none of these things while skating.  Yes, it can be frustrating when you're tring for the 27th time to weave through cones and you're sure you'll NEVER get it.  When you want to jump in the air and your legs refuse to cooperate and actually bend.  But the speed, the hitting, the sense of control - the adrenalin rush is a potent, addictive drug.

The social aspect is something else entirely.  Derby culture is like a cult.  Before you know it, you're going out after practice on a Wednesday night, rolling in at 1 am, and dragging your ass back out of bed at 6:30 to go to work.  Two days later you're out until 3, hammered.  and maybe the night after that too. 

And it's not just the lifestyle, it's how the attitudes of these women rub off on you so quickly.  If you had told me a year ago that I would be taking the subway dressed in a pair of holey tights and a running skirt that barely clears my ass I would have laughed uproariously.  Now my only concern is that I don't freeze to death.  I'm not saying this is a bad thing - I'm all about havng a positive body image but it sure is different, especially for me, suzy conservative.

And then there's the sex thing.  Derby girls have a reputation for being, um... skanky hos.  This is coming from men.  I think they have there wires crossed as most derby girls aren't even interested in  men, and those who are have a hard time finding men to skank with, so filled with women are the venues we tend to frequent.  But the woman-on-woman action is unbelievable.  I don't want to generalize either lesbians or derby girls, but most of the women I have run across have a very broad sens of what is acceptable behaviour.  Now I kind of like this.  I think it's refreshing that they can do pretty much whatever they want and not be judged for it.  (I'm going to assume that there is some sort of understanding between partners about what is or is not acceptable.)  I used t be very uptight and moralistc about "relationships" and what constituted "acceptable" standards of practice, but this has changed a lot lately.  (It's not all to do with derby and there is a lot of stuff I have come to believe that I would never discuss with my "conventional" friends as I know they'd think I was nuts, but I have changed a lot.  For the better, I think.  Theory is one thing - I might have to see what happens if it ever gets put into practice.)

Anyway... the point of this is that your perspective tends to get skewed after a while.  Throwing women into the mix as more-than-friends is weird.  No longer is there that safe space of friendship, when women (notoriously judgmental bitches) only judge you on your looks and attitudes and shoes, now it's on your potential as a prospective hook-up as well.  You start to think that you have to have good hair and clothing around them, not only when you're looking to impress the opposite sex.  What a chore.  And it makes conversation (difficult enough for someone as socially stunted as myself) even more difficult.  Who needs that?

This is so high school, I know.  And for someone of my age it's ridiculous.  Still, it sneaks up on you and you don't realize how far of the path you've strayed until all of a sudden you've humiliated your best friend and are making out with a virtual stranger in a dive bar.

Reality check, dudes.  There is too much of a good thing.  I'm sticking with the sport and camaraderie aspect of derby and leaving the rest behind me.  

Not to mention the fact that anything non-derby tends to get the shaft when consumed by the obsession.  Housework, hobbies, OTHER FRIENDS.  You did things before derby and you can do things as well as derby.  There's a reason you don't put all your eggs in one basket.

But I have improved my ability to apologize, something I'm not very good at.  I guess that's a good thing.  I'd rather improve my ability to relate to people, to deal with adversity, so I don't have to apologize so much.

Crazy dude.

Just for posterity, I think I should record this here.  In case y'all think I don't love you, this is what I put up with in the name of research and entertainment.  God knows I don;t get much out of it, SOMEONE should...

Went for drinks, dude likes to talk about himself.  We had nothing in common, but I got somewhat drunk and managed to chit chat acceptably well.  He just talks about how smart and cheap he is and the car his sister gave him and then he sold and she was pissed and he doesn't know why.   Had no interest in derby - just said soccer is a much better sport.  Why would girls want to hit each other?  dude...  I shoulda bailed then.

Then he says lets go get some lamb and cook and make salad and bread and wine and I agreed since it's so much easier, and I was still contemplating fucking him for research purposes.  Then we're half way to the store and I say - no I don't want to do dinner.  And he says Oh, I was just going to say we have a good vibe - I haven't invited anyone up to my place before (riiiiight - cuz you're a crazy mofo and they all run away first).  And he starts grilling me on why I changed my mind etc etc.  So I agree to a drink at his place.  I'm a pushover.

So we go to his place and he keeps filling my glass up to almost the rim and I'm half in the bag and he tries to teach me to dance and the music was AWFUL.  He just listens to stuff from Youtube - no actual music.   Black dudes sorta rapping with half naked chicks crawling around on the screen - seriously?  And he plays the same few awful songs over and over.  The dancing was sorta fun in a completely uncoordinated way.  Then he starts going on about what do I want to do for fun and he'll take me anywhere and he will pay and I say no - I want to go see my friends.  I only have so much free time and I want to spread it around and he says can I come and I say no (surprise).  So by now I just want to get the fuck out but then he kisses me and says there wasn't that good?  Which it wasn't - he sorta ate my face too much tongue and teeth and dude - SUBTLETY please - you don't have to ran your tongue down my throat!!  So then he tries again to convince me we should do something together and I say no about 20 time and finally I just say I gotta go.  And he's obviously pissy. 

So I make my escape and he calls me 3 x before I'm 100 yards away and I don't pick up and then he texts me to say:

• you made me feel like sort of a jerk and I kindof liked you
• but sorry please lose my number
• please lose my number as you are fake

to which I reply:

Dude - get a grip.  not wanting to spend the whole evening with you is not fake.

and he sends texts 4,5 and 6:

• sure please lose my number is that too much asking I know ur kind (?!?!?!! wtf does that mean????)
• no offense good luck
• just lose number please

Gosh, I guess you don;t want me to call you again?  Like I would, you crazy psycho freak!

Oh, and he MADE me wash my hands when we got to his place.  He WATCHED me put soap on and said Oh, I guess you do know how to do that.  What, WASH?????  And when I tried to change the music on his computer he was all - oh I'm a computer guy, you probably can't figure out HOW TO USE YOUTUBE let me help.  Dude's obviously been dating driftwood.

So then I went and got even more trashed with my friends.  Good times!!!

Oh, and he smokes.  Seriously?  Did you think I just wouldn't notice???

Enthusiasm`

When was the last time I approache my kife with any enthusiasm?  Someone on the street today said I was having a mid-life crisis.  Could be, but it's a crisis which is making my life a hell of a lot better.

Tried longboarding today.  Think skateboarding on a big scale - boards 3-4 feet long.  SO.  Much.  Fun.  Borrowed a board from a friend while the kids are away and wow.  I feel moderately competant already!  It's a very cool feeling leaning into the corners and carving the hill.  Loosened her trucks WAY up - hope she doesn;t mind.  Now you actually turn when you lean (thanks, derby!).

And derby.  Sigh, how do I love thee?  Went skating in High Park on Sat, ostentably with the derby/cardinal gals, but really just me and Miko and Rosa.  Did a controlled crash on my way to the park (read: steep hill, out of control descent, turned corner onto corrugated sidewalk, chose to bail out rather than flame out) resulting in some minor road rash/bruising but otherwise was AWESOME!!!

The main road loop around the park is pretty short, but hilly.  Oh the hills.  What an adrenalin rush.  Once I found out there was nothing at the bottom of the hill (no stops etc.) I just tucked and went.  Could have done it a thousand times.  Down the hill, up a bit, down another, around the corner and back to the beginning fairly flat.  Repeat until you can't stand.

Chose to take my skates off rather than risk a repeat performance on the sidewalk on the way back.  I think I made the right decision.

Keep in mind we're moving in this pic...

You can't teach an old horse...

Ha.  So much for the new me, able to deal with uncertainly, to relax and let things slide.  You know why?  Because that person is a DOORMAT and I don't want to be a doormat.

Notice I'm not saying I *won't* be a doormat - just that I don't like it.  God, that would require me taking a stand, being confrontational, having a backbone.  My problem is that I had a backbone at the beginning, we discussed this shit and sort of resolved it and now I am not doing anything about it.

Problem - as usual - communication.  I leave it all up to him and then get all hinky when things don't proceed as I think they should.  So stupid, though.  He's not psychic, he hasn't done anything wrong, it's just that I won't man up and say I have an issue.  And of course we all know why - because I don't want him to walk away.  Yes, I know, if that makes him walk away I don't want him in the first place but it's so easy to say and so hard to do.

So I'm going to set myself a time limit.  You can enjoy (?) the two weeks that the kids are away, make the most of that (if anything even comes of that - I have a long history of spending my free time alone) and then see how things are after that.  If you pull the plug after that you won't feel like you chucked away all that potential action (mmmmm... action).

Remember, being a doormat is not attractive.  Really.  And he likes you, he really does -  you're just taking his issues and turning them into an opportunity to be the old passive sappy you.  DO something, then you can blame him if it all goes to shit instead of taking it all on yourself.  You are awesome.  It won't be your fault if this doesn't work out, and as you have discovered it's not your only opportunity for good sex.  Good sex is 80% in your mind and 20% a competent partner.  Yeah, so you like him.  Do you want an inevitably on again off again drag me through the rosebush relationship?  Nope, I didn't think so.

Screwing a 35 yo dude?  Not sure how I feel about that.  Screwing a 35 yo dude who's never been with an "older" woman?  Could be a psychologically traumatic experience for yours truly.  Only if he's as asshole, though, and I should be able to figure that out before we hop in the sack.

Retrospective

Remember this? 
Haaaaarrrgghh.

What F-PERT means to me:

Oh, the injustice of it all

It sucks being a chick sometimes. I have raging PMS this month.  I wish I could figure out what made it worse.

• My boobs rival Dolly Parton's and they are about 10 degrees hotter than the rest of me.  Great in this weather, eh?  And the pain! 
• I ate my own body weight in sugar yesterday.  I think I would have chewed off the arm of anyone who tried to stop me.
• I went from total adoration to screaming banshee at my kids yesterday.  Can you say "mood swing", Billy?  Sure, I knew you could.

When does my biological clock run out???

The view from here

What exactly is the view like  from out of your arsehole?  Fuzzy with hints of brown, I suspect.  My wretched brother has his head shoved so far up his ass I'm surprised he can see at all.  Do you think he will realize the universe doesn't revolve around him at some point?  I've cut him more slack than anyone and more that he deserves, certainly, but I've had it.  He can either discuss his shit with me and we can have it out or not.  Frankly, I've lost interest.

Hollywood version:  He calls Monday to ask if he can bring his gf's teenage children up to the cottage.  Now, I knew this was coming since she facebooked she'd been invited a few days before and my umbillically-connected nephew told me, so I was prepared.  It's my vacation.  My time to chill out and relax with my family.  Not to have to deal with strangers, to have to worry about not wearing a bra, changing out of my swimsuit, etc etc.  So I said no.  He said that wasn't fair to him, Darcy went on vacation with him and his kids all the time and he should bring her kids.  WTF?  Not my problem!   I said it was MY vacation and I wanted to spend it with my family and only family.   You're my family; Darcy isn't.  I barely know her, let alone her kids.  And he said:

But Orly came up.

Um, and Orly is not A. the mother of my niece and nephew? B.  My friend??
Don't even start to compare her with Darcy. 

Anyway, I said I wasn't going to argue with him, I'm not comfortable sharing my vacation with strangers and that's that.  He said then he wasn't going to bring Darcy either.  Whatever.

The he sent me a pissy text saying he wasn't coming at all.  Fine, eyeroll.  I let him think about that and he remembered he had to collect his children from me.  He shows up with the van, three passengers, proceeds to pack everyone into the car (six people, five seatbelts).  Calvin cried, Jade wasn't pleased but would never question her dad.  Ari didn't care as long as he had wifi.

Tit.

That is all.

It's official...

I'm a member of the Divine Viper Assasination Squad.  Frankly, I'm terrified.  Tales of split and blackened eyes abound.  Still, that's what makes life exciting, isn't it?  Maybe I can earn some of my injuries now instead of them all being self-inflicted.

Outdoor skating only till Sept, though .  I'm away for the next week, then the league is moving to a new facility which isn't ready.  Then no practice in August.  I have no desire (let alone hope in hell) of being drafted.  I just wanna play on the D-VAS until I am marginally competant.

25 laps in 5 minutes.  I am way pleased with myself.

Well *I* didn't have internet, at least.

A week with these two:

...has actually been fairly delightful. 
Lots of this:

 

And this:

 

Even Chester had and good time:

 Didn't wash my hair for a week.  Awesome.

Home for derby with children (curses) due to unexpected tragedy not at all related to me.  Still, if you didn't have internet and didn't discover it for a few days, how would life be different?  You'd get a few more days of blissful vacation, oblivious, and the person would still be dead when you got back to the city.

A list (not A-list)

• I am on vacation for two glorious weeks.  No internet.  Good for my mental health if nothing else.
• The kids are gone for the long weekend so I can pack, clean, relax.  Even better, they went up to the cottage with steve so I get to drive alone, oh joy.
• I should be shopping/packing but am, as usual, procrastinating.
• Skated on the lakeshore path yesterday with Miko and Michelle, who rode M's bike - it was awesome.  I refuse to give in to my fear of obstacles, rough ground, railroad tracks, potholes, traffic, gravel, and falling in front of cars, but I categorically refuse to skate through standing water and/or mud.  Did some off-roading as a result.
• Why don't you spell obstacle like testicle?
• The smell of sewage off the treatment plant is truly DISGUSTING.
• I drunk texted dude (who is an M, btw) and was called a lush for my efforts.  Very true.  Will try not to do that again as he threatened to turn back the clock
• Sucked back more vodka and tonic that a body should be able to handle.  Derby is a bad influence on my drinking  habits.
• Had a coughing fit in the car and I couldn't breath in.  Thought my companions would have a stroke since I was driving at the time.  Fun times.  Stupid cough.
• Dude listens to Ray LaMontagne, in case anyone doubted he was perfect for me.
• The Ray tee shirt I got, which is a women's large, fits Calvin who is a skinny 9.  What is wrong with clothing manufacturers?
• There is no rule that said I couldn't stalk him.  I just can't talk to him.
• Six days is forever, six months is eternity.  I hope it gets better.
• Everyone thinks I'm fucked and no one will let me talk about it.  Hence this.
• I put my hands in Bruiseberry's pants.  No, not pants, underwear.  I was drunk. My friends were baiting me.  I am an easy target - they said she had my phone, lying bitches.
• I was box manager for the clam slam!  Most stressful hour of my life.  Tell me again why I do this?  Oh yeah, because it's fun and no one's yelled at me yet.  The day that happens I WILL cry.
• Did absolutely nothing to celebrate Canada day.  I am an apathetic Canadian.

Clams

In case you're interested in why I picked Free-Range Clam over some of the other options...
Free-Range implies slutty, which I aspire to, and describes my parenting style.
Clam is... well, a clam - always good in a sport dominated by lesbian women.  I can hint that I might swing that way and fit in with the cool kids.  Also reflective of my emotional ability, according to some/many.

During the year, the free-range clam tends to stay close to it's own territory, though will occasionally venture into the west end in search of a mate.  During the summer, however, the free-range clam lives up to it's name and wanders all over the countryside.

The free-range clam has been known to slam it's potential mate repeatedly against a hard object to determine his suitability.  It seems obvious that the clam is selecting for hardy genes, although this behavior has also been noted in clams outside the reproductive age.  The clam seems somewhat bloodthirsty as it will often, in the throes of mating passion,  ingest the blood it has drawn..

Am home nursing snot bubbles, trying to kick this stupid chest thing before a. I go on vacation and b. I lose my mind.  Isn't it weird how my doctor will give me a prescription for antibiotics over the phone, based on a few questions the receptionist asks, while some won't even refill a Rx for insulin needles?  My doctor will also see you the same day if you want, while hers takes six weeks for an appointment.  D'ya think you might die in those six weeks?  I think there should be common standards.  When I rule the world things will be better.

Six hours, six days, six weeks, six months.

Momentous

On the advice of my trusted adviser, Dr. Morrison, I ended it with dude today.  It was mutual.  We both recognized it was not viable as is.  Both equally reluctant to end it.  Both knew we had to.  I'd been pushing and pushing and he was so kind and good natured about it, but in the end he was right.  We're done.

On a note that will send Dr. Morrison through the roof, we agreed to get back in touch (if I want to) in six months and see how things stand.  I find that reassuring.  Not that he'll be there waiting for me all fixed and available, or that I will be waiting.  Just... reassuring. 

He is a truly lovely man and I am so sad and sorry that things couldn't work out.  God, I've tried so hard and waited so long for someone like him and then when I do find him, he's "unavailable".  Fix your baggage dude and lets move on.

In other news:

I am now Free-Range Clam #666.  It's not the most popular choice but I love it.

Old and new

Wow, this has been a fabulous week.  I came to the conclusion today that it would be better to just accept the fact that my mom is somewhat defective in the parenting department and move on.  It's too late to fix this puppy.  I don't think she ever really had much interest in her children beyond grooming them into the sort of people who she could talk about in those damn christmas letters without embarrassment.  Needless to say, she didn't do those sort of letters for long.  She seems to feel the same sort of remoteness for her grandkids, surprise.  She was never one to bundle up the baby and snuggle for hours just because she wanted to - more like she would come and do it because it was her duty.  And she let you know. 

I find this very sad and really hope I'm not like this.  I don't think so.  God knows I have my issues but I hope this isn't one of them.

On an unrelated (?) topic, I find the quality of the friendships I've cultivated in the last 10 years (actually I think I can carbon date the start of this to when steve left)  is much better that it used to be.  Sure I have old friends, but in general those were... not particularly equal or healthy relationships.  These days my friends are amazing people.  I would ask them for the world if I had to (OK it would still be an effort, but I could do it)  and give it right back to them when they needed it.  Yes, I'm a moody, cranky, intolerant bitch.  I wonder why anyone puts up with me?  Regardless I am truly grateful and I would never (knowingly - I was drunk!) stand them up for anything.  Blah blah blah.  What's the point of this?  I dunno - I'm depressed and need to find something good in my life?  It's a challenge.


More positively - I went to the finals last night expecting to be a grunt volunteer.  I wanted to watch the game.
 since I figure it would be good.  And it was.

However, I got sucked into doing stats which is somewhat less than low stress.  In fact, I was penalty wrangler, which meant  listening to the refs and transmitting their calls to the penalty tackers.  Which I'd never done before. And did I mention it was the FINALS???  Har.  So me and my crazy ass dress + groovin' pink NSO shirt spent the entire game tripping around in circles after the refs.  I somehow managed  not to fuck up completely, much to my everlasting relief.  AND THE CHICKS WON!  I am SO pleased.  I lave me some Chicks.  And the Gores, but they usually annihilate everyone.  The Chicks have really come into their own this season.  (Did I mention this is on Rogers next weekend?  Must find someone with cable to let me see it.  I hear the game was awesome.  All I saw were the refs.  Who are awesome too.)

New derby name:  Free-Range Clam.  Appropriately trashy, somewhat sexually ambiguous.  What more could I ask for??

Day 6 of "thinking".  I'm losing hope.  I can't believe I lasted this long.  Hope/blind optimism/stupidity springs eternal in my wasted emotional shell.

Tick tick tick tick tick tick tick

That is all.

Relativity

How long is "time"?  Sound pretty open-ended to me. 

Spidey Senses: 1

Dude and I had this looooong discussion last night where he unburdened himself of lots of baggage... to what purpose, I'm not sure.  To make me understand him?  I don't.

Dude needs TIME.  God, I've heard that before.  I couldn't even bring myself to ask how much time he thinks he might need to decide whether I was worth fitting into his life, which is what it boils down to.  He can say he's confused till the cows come home but what dude doesn't just go for what they want if they want it?  It all just screams backing away at warp speed.  I must be really great in bed.

I am not going though this train wreck again.  One day of sobbing into my keyboard is pretty much as much as I can take, and my hair hasn't finished growing back from last time.  (Hmmm ...think what a supermodel I'd be if I lost another 50 lbs, though).  My bullshit meter is going off like a mad thing.  Nobody avoids a relationship because they're worried they'll hurt someone - it happens all the time and people get hurt and move on.  C'est la vie.  Me invading your space?  Being too demanding?  All those are reasonable (and probably much more valid) reasons.  So man up and say what the problem really is.

Speaking of, you'd think being all (relatively) thin and fit would have made a difference to the quality of my sex/relationship life.  Nope.  Not. At. All.  I find this completely disappointing.  I guess before I could have blamed my perennially single status on the size of my ass, but now what?  I guess it really is my stellar personality.  How depressing.  Yes, I like it for it's own sake, because I feel better and my clothes fit better and I'm more comfortable but really - it's not life changing.  Which sucks.

I want a Big Mac.

It's my blog and I'll angst if I want to.

Oh boy. 

Yes, I'm at work.  No, I can't concentrate.

I'm trying really hard not to give in to the feeling of impending doom that is lurking.  Yes, I know I have a long history of denial.  So what, I should change now?

It's been about 24 hours since he left my bed (OK, more like 28, but who's counting?).  When he got home he sent me a text saying good things and ambiguous things which I'm not going to go into.  In general, positive.  Or so I thought.  I sent him an email later that afternoon with the info for next Sat's derby bout in it.  Nothing.  Nothing at all.

OK, I don't know what his policy is on returning emails.  Generally it hasn't been very snappy despite his obvious interest.  But... what?  I wait.  I HATE waiting.  I am not a patient person and my imagination in the interim is a terrible force to be reckoned with.

Has he decided I'm going to ask too much of him?  He's probably right.  We did discuss this in the lead up to him staying the night and it seemed OK but who knows in the light of day how he'll feel.  He promised he wouldn't Houdini. ( Just writing this makes me laugh.  It's the internet, where promises mean less than nothing.  But I believed him.)

It's just that it was so perfect.  So perfect.  So much chemistry.  So much to talk about.   And he was so obviously... well whatever.   Why does everyone have to have plans, expectations, agendas?  Can't you just go with it?  I guess one person's going with it can be perceived and something entirely different to another.

I want to believe you, and so I do, just for tonight.  Thanks Alison Krauss

You're going to break my heart, dude.

What number is this? Eight?

D'you know what the problem with dating when you a hundred and two like I am is?  Your friends get pretty sick and tried of your rhapsodizing/complaining/sobbing/angsting.  Back when you're young and silly and all your friends are young and silly there's a whole host of people willing to play the dating game with you:

- Do you think he's cute?
- OMG he's totally cute and he totally likes you.  I can totally tell.
- Do you think so?  I thought he liked Jenny.
- No way man.  Jenny's totally ancient history.  And Matt told Karl who told Suzi who told me that he's totally into you.
- What if he doesn't call me?  Should I call him?  Should I text him 100x an hour unitl he calls me?
- He'll call you.  He was totally into you.  But don't call him.  It'll make you look like you like him.

etc. etc. etc.

While teenage girls can do this with no apparent limit, grown ups cannot.  While they act supportive and willing to listen to your stories, the inner eyerolling is hard to disguise.

So of my epic 12 hour date I have one thing to say:  Drywall 1:  Wallpaper 0.  And that's a good thing :)

Testus Interruptus

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Didn't get the testing finished because we ran out of time and I couldn't stay but

YAY!

All I can say is that the testing committee in general was so helpful, supportive and clear about their expectations.  Moni Chrome in particular rocks my world.  I love her.

I.  Did.  The.  Cones.  

They gave us 6 tries, not 3.  The first try I did them all and then just missed the last one.  I thought that was all I was going to do.  Tries 2-5 sucked the hairy one. Then, on try #6, I did them ALL.  OK, I ran over the last one but they gave me a 2!!!!  I could not have been more thrilled and happy.  I think it was sheer force of will that got me through those cones.  I tend to get pissy when I start fucking up and things go downhill from there, but they were so encouraging that I did it.  Yay me!

The rest of the test was unremarkable except tfor the good feeling, camaraderie and support form the other dskjaters and the testers.  It made it fun, not stressful.  Except for the plow stop.  But I think I got a 1 even on that.  My hits sort of sucked but I didn't fall on my ass, gave and got a few good ones so I should be OK.

I'll have to finish the testing later, maybe Jul 10.  I'll be at the cottage but it will be worth the trip to get er done.  It's only moving around the track and endurance, neither of which I'm worried about and then I'll be a WFTDA skater!!!!!!!

I'm a wee bit bummed about the lack of completion but totally riding the high!