Monday, February 28, 2011

Or not.

I guess I should publicly admit to what a disaster that was.

No chemistry.  None.  So weird.  We did it anyway but it was lame and he had no creativity and a small penis.  I wonder what happened?  Weirdest thing ever.

Maybe I should take this as a lesson - either sleep with the dude when you get the urge or wait until you know him well enough to know if you really want to. 

Back into the trenches.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Four is the luckiest number

Oh.  My.  God.  I have become the drywall commercial.  It's sickening.  Nauseating.  And pretty damn awesome.

After a few days of really good email exchange, we decided we couldn't wait until Tuesday and I got a babysitter for Sunday night.  This way, I thought, if it's good we can do someting fun on Tuesday and if it sucks I haven't wasted a quality evening on some innernet dude.  I was completely prepared to find him disappointing - email is usually a bad predictor of future behaviour. 

Not this time.

Dude shows up and he is WAY cuter than his pics.  Looks young and adorable and has dimples for god's sake.  And all his hair, not grey at all!  Very smiley, excellent personality, funny, charming and totally into me.  But not in the creepy way of #3.  Not at all.  Maybe because I was the same.

I've never experience anything like that - it was weird.  I had absolutely no problem making conversation with him, but now and then we'd just stop and stare at each other.  Then we started holding hands.  Pretty much doing as much physical contact as you can do seated across the table from someone in a public place.  If hands could have sex, our would have.  So here we are gazing across the table into each others eyes.  If I had been watching I would have barfed.  I may indeed have sicked a little up in my own mouth.  It wasn;t just the physics, though.  It was totally a mental thing as well.

I think it was the fact that he was so obviously into me.  Very good for the confidence level.  He thought I was "cute as a button" which he said was the most socially acceptable thing he could think of to say in public.  Har.  He didn't seem to have any sense that it might have been a disaster.  He's mildly suggestive in a very hot yet inoffensive way.  Confident but not arrogant.  Talkative but not a bore.  Good listener.  Funny.  Perfect.

We met at 7:30.  Left at 11:30 despite the fact that I told the sitter I'd be home at 11.  Oops.  We barely made it out the door before we were making out in the vestibule (what a great word) and we got some serious necking in before someone else left and made us stop..  Walked to the subway, made out some more and then went our respective directions.  Absolutely no doubt in anyone's mind that we'll be getting busy on Tuesday.

Oh yeah.  I'm such a classy broad.  It was snowing like crazy and I was quite wet when I arrived.  Little did I know that my mascara had smudged onto my upper eyelids.  When I finally went to pee and noticed, I was horrified.  I looked like a crazy person.  He was too polite to say anything, either before or after the repair for which I am eternally grateful.  It was sort of hidden by the tops of my glasses, but I don't think he could have failed to see.

And he still likes me.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Number 4

Yes, I'm getting ahead of myself.  #4 only counts if we go out, but we've made plans.

#4 is mid-40s sort of dude who lives in the west end. Am I doomed to find myself forever commuting to and from the west end?  NO.  Unlike your previous relationship, dude is obligated to come to your end of town at least 50% of the time.  That's my new rule. (Rules, as always, evolve from the stupid situations one gets into and thus must make rules to avoid in future.  Of course we all know how good I am with rules...)

Dude has a way with words, a penchant for profanity which I quite enjoy, and finds me fabulously funny.  How's that for alliteration?  He doesn't run away from jokes about drinking at work or getting shitfaced - important things as I embrace my inner alcoholic.

We're supposed to be going out Tuesday.  That's a week from now and give everyone plenty of time to bail. 
Hey, if he doesn't kiss like a fish maybe I'll sleep with him.

As for the previous #4 (3?), I have decided after the events of last weekend and him texting me yesterday with ultra-solicitous concern about my mental health that I need to dial back my Facebook presence severely, at least for now.  I am weak and stalker-like and can't make myself un-friend him which is what a normal person would do.  So instead I will make no updates worthy of comment, I will not respond to anything he says (which should be nothing if I adhere to the previous point) and I will not post on his stuff, whatever it is.  Radio silence is what we're aiming for.  I need about a month more I think before I'm somewhat functional again.  (Slight hiccup in the recover process may happen on Thursday, but that's my own fault and I'll deal with that if it arises.)  M thinks I'm a crackpot and should cut him off completely but I cannae do tha.

Sleeping with #4 would help.

Monday, February 14, 2011

One step forward...

So I was recently informed that I had that expression wrong.  In an uncharacteristic show of optimism, I was convinced it was two steps forward, one step back.  Because then at least you're moving in the right direction, right?

Apparently I have it all wrong and it's one step forward, two steps back.  Figures.  Welcome to my life.

Dude and I broke up.  OK, we we never really "going out" but I ended the illusion in my mind that we were, ending months of teeth gnashing, wailing, chest beating, and rending of garments.  Slept like a baby for the first time in months.  Step forward, definitely.  I am woman, hear me dump.

Started this wretched process of innernet dating again.  Is there a more demoralizing, soul-destrying enterprise?  Getting judged, initially, by a couple of crappy photos and some ill-chosen words.  Then in person by someone who may or may not be to your liking.  Bleah.

# - Toothy - 1 had some teeth issues and a serious inability to stand up for himself.  Really?  You come on a date with a friend who overstays his welcome and then you can't ask him to leave, explain the situation, ANYTHING?  Sheesh.  I have more balls than that.

#2 - Crazy Bill - bailed out at the last minute, via email.  Don't blame him as we had the most horrifyingly boring phone conversation, but he could have just said no.  Whatever.  Do they castrate men in this city before they let them date?

#3 - Lawyer dude - short, dumpy, ancient glasses, some weird walking problem.  Fine, all superficialities.  Took me to the Dominion where the music was too loud for any conversation, but insisted on talking anyway.  Every time I spoke, he said he couldn't hear.  Hmph.  And people wonder why i don't talk about myself  With supremely bad manners, I started texting for a diversion (In the bathroom, I might add.  Not to his face.)  I tried J: hanging with toothless.  I tried M:  baked.  So in a fit of desperation and (and longing) I texted dude.

Yeah yeah, bad girl.  I knew he'd be out, I knew he'd be happy to see me.  And he was.  Hung out with him and his friends and it was fun.  Really fun.  I was myself, caustic and un-doormatty, and it was nice to be like that instead of the mousy bitch I was.  Two steps back, but it was worth the serious disapproval of everyone I know.  It's true - he's my crack.  I need a new drug to get over it.

And #3 kissed like a dying fish.  It was G.R.O.S.S.  I actually wiped my mouth in disgust.  Like Cathy says - it's kissing!  If you can't master that, what hope is there for the rest??? 

 I'm though 3 out of 10 and I might have to off myself if things don't improve soon.