Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Yikes!

June 12th is derby D-day.  The day we get tested for our WFTDA Minimum Skills Requirements.  Double yikes.

Done like dinner

OK, really.  I tried.  I've done it all and more for the sake of what -   My relentless quest for the perfect (or at least acceptable) man?  My friends' entertainment?  Something to do while the kids were away?


I've been out with men who make you feel greatand you think there's great chemistry but it mysteriously evaporates (drywall dude), men who make you feel like crap but you adore them anyway for some stupid fucked up reason (douchebag),  men who are so easy to talk to you overlook the fact that they have a personality like wallpaper (Phil).  Men who talk incessantly about themselves (old dude).  Men who bitch about their ex the entire time and how they never got laid and hey, let's go parking! (that would be clicky, the parking dude).  Men who look nothing like their pictures and eat off your plate without asking (can't remember his name - that was a while ago) oh, and then expect you to ask them to come in!  Flicky, the dope fiend with the earlobe issue.  The old fat limpy lawyer who took me to a loud band where he talked incessantly, couldn't hear a word I said when I tried, and then repeatedly tried to stick his tongue down my throat.  Oh, and had a fetish about women with fake limbs... ew.  Well endowed, poorly endowed, good in the sack, USELESS in the sack.  I've done it all.

There were more.  I'm sure I'm forgetting some particularly heinous examples. 

Hey, it's not all bad.  I've had my horizons expanded, my interests changed, my musical taste improved (or at least diversified).  I lost 50 pounds (and lots of my hair - douchebag) .  I've been to therapy for stupid reasons (douchebag) but which ultimately turned out to be helpful.

Post-douchebag we've had:
1:  Toothy - guy who was there with his friend the whole time.
2: Crazy Bill - set up a date and then bailed by email 2 seconds later.  I'm counting him.
3. Drywall dude - total attraction first time, then nothing.  So weird.
4. Lawyer dude with the derby fetish.
5. Bancroft dude.  I'm still counting him since he'd bone me given a chance.
6. Wallpaper dude.  AKA cunnilingus master.
7. Wattle.

Only three to go but I don't think I can do it without a break.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Derby tally

We're in week 13 of 16 of fresh meat.  Three more weeks to go.  It seem like an appropriate time to look back and see how it's been going...

At the beginning I literally couldn't carry on a conversation while on my skates without falling over. Now you can hit me, bump skates with me, I can skate on one foot while turning to look behind me (well, one leg anyway), I can jump and turn in a circle, I can jump over three obstacles in a row (!) and almost almost almost do 25 laps in 5 minutes.  I wouldn't call myself good by any stretch but when I saw the Hamilton team play on Saturday I thought maybe we were almost as good as them (OK, they got their asses kicked deservedly, but still...).

I do hurt myself fairly regularly.  I don't know if everyone else does this.  I think I'm just old and heal slowly.

  • Week one I tore my medial cruciate ligament (MCL).  That was bad.  It still hurts but it's getting better.  
  • The week I had the flu I fell on my ass several times in the same place but didn't do any serious injury, however I did something to my rib cage which lasted several weeks.  When I ran my ribs would go into spasm so I couldn't breathe.  That was fun.  
  • The week we did whips I strained my tricept on the arm I broke since it apparently has no strength at all.  
  • The week we had Aston Martini and her gang my leg slipped while plow stopping and I did something somewhat major to the muscles at the back of my *other* knee, the right one.  This hurts and cramps up when I run which is a total pain in the arse, but if I stop to stretch it it seems to go away.  I thought this was minor but it's been a month or so and it's still bugging me.  
  • This week I strained something in my upper thigh - not my regular quad, but something higher up so I can't lift my leg higher than parallel to the floor. It doesn't hurt to run though.

I gotta tell you, none of these has caused me to miss a week of practice.  Call me stupid, but I figure if it doesn't actually hurt, I can work through it.  I don't want to miss a minute of track time.

Three weeks to go.  The sun is shining.  Time to master the stuff I can't do:

  • Plow stops.
  • Skating on one leg.
  • Weaving through cones on one leg.
  • Fast starts

Get on with it.  There's lots of time to be in a wheelchair when you flunk out of derby.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Mine

I love Etsy.  These were custom made for me by Derbyvixen.

And hey, it's my dad's birthday today.  He would have been 81!  Yikes.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Retrospective

I love this blog.  It puts my life into perspective and makes things crystal clear that might otherwise be allowed to pass by relatively unnoticed.

Lets take the douchebag dude.  I believe I made some crack about him being "too busy" last post.  I have officially labelled him done since he seems incapable of returning my emails in a timely manner, or at all now.  Douche.  I can see now that it took me a full two weeks of BS to come to that conclusion.  Actually, that's not bad for me.  But still... I'll do better next time.  Dude had weird taste in music and was a weird kisser anyway.
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Anyone want a Wii?  I'm taking mine away from the kids today, calmly and politely.  For at least a month, until the sass and disrespect and trashtalking is over.  I cannot believe I let things get so out of hand.  I am a bad parent.  The kind that lets their kids play Wii even when they talk to her like a piece of dirt on the bottom of their shoe.  The kind of kids who wake up using that tone with their mama.  This is NOT the way my house is going to be.  It's making me angry and crazy and undermining the minimal parenting selfconfidence I do have.  Get the fuck outside and play with your friends.
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Raging PMS last week.  So bad I ate all the accumulated stash of chocolate, 6 Joe Louis in less than 12 hours, bread and butter to feed a boarding school.  I did run twice towards the end of the week, but that didn't really make up for it.  Today I'm back on the wagon with only a few transgressions into pretzels.  Let's hope the worst has passed.

I'm sewing a new dress.  I didn't like the shape of the cream one with black trees or whatever they were so  switched to the grey dress pattern (really, no one notices the difference except me).  Went out on a limb and made size 16 (the original grey one was 22!) so I don't know if it will fit.  It's sort of limey green with pink flowers on it.  If this one works (and isn't too short - I think I cut it off about 5" too short) I'm going to make a black one from that pattern.  Depending on the fit/feel, I'll either make it one layer or I'll make it with a striped lining.  That striped Egyptian cotton from the Fabric Store of Amazement is too good not to have next to your skin.  Then I'm going to make one with the curtain material Barb gave me.  And then... and then... and then.... I could make them forever.  I also need to improvise a sundress pattern for the cowboy fabric.  And don't forget the magenta stuff I bought last week!  You never know when I'll need a fancy-ass party dress. Yeah.  Like never.

Oh, and practiced off-skates derby with two of the M's and third-person Rosa in Michelle's parking garage..  So. Much. fun.  I sort of though it would be lame but it was AWESOME and so helpful.  I think I'll take up skateless roller derby :D