Enthusiasm`

When was the last time I approache my kife with any enthusiasm?  Someone on the street today said I was having a mid-life crisis.  Could be, but it's a crisis which is making my life a hell of a lot better.

Tried longboarding today.  Think skateboarding on a big scale - boards 3-4 feet long.  SO.  Much.  Fun.  Borrowed a board from a friend while the kids are away and wow.  I feel moderately competant already!  It's a very cool feeling leaning into the corners and carving the hill.  Loosened her trucks WAY up - hope she doesn;t mind.  Now you actually turn when you lean (thanks, derby!).

And derby.  Sigh, how do I love thee?  Went skating in High Park on Sat, ostentably with the derby/cardinal gals, but really just me and Miko and Rosa.  Did a controlled crash on my way to the park (read: steep hill, out of control descent, turned corner onto corrugated sidewalk, chose to bail out rather than flame out) resulting in some minor road rash/bruising but otherwise was AWESOME!!!

The main road loop around the park is pretty short, but hilly.  Oh the hills.  What an adrenalin rush.  Once I found out there was nothing at the bottom of the hill (no stops etc.) I just tucked and went.  Could have done it a thousand times.  Down the hill, up a bit, down another, around the corner and back to the beginning fairly flat.  Repeat until you can't stand.

Chose to take my skates off rather than risk a repeat performance on the sidewalk on the way back.  I think I made the right decision.

Keep in mind we're moving in this pic...

You can't teach an old horse...

Ha.  So much for the new me, able to deal with uncertainly, to relax and let things slide.  You know why?  Because that person is a DOORMAT and I don't want to be a doormat.

Notice I'm not saying I *won't* be a doormat - just that I don't like it.  God, that would require me taking a stand, being confrontational, having a backbone.  My problem is that I had a backbone at the beginning, we discussed this shit and sort of resolved it and now I am not doing anything about it.

Problem - as usual - communication.  I leave it all up to him and then get all hinky when things don't proceed as I think they should.  So stupid, though.  He's not psychic, he hasn't done anything wrong, it's just that I won't man up and say I have an issue.  And of course we all know why - because I don't want him to walk away.  Yes, I know, if that makes him walk away I don't want him in the first place but it's so easy to say and so hard to do.

So I'm going to set myself a time limit.  You can enjoy (?) the two weeks that the kids are away, make the most of that (if anything even comes of that - I have a long history of spending my free time alone) and then see how things are after that.  If you pull the plug after that you won't feel like you chucked away all that potential action (mmmmm... action).

Remember, being a doormat is not attractive.  Really.  And he likes you, he really does -  you're just taking his issues and turning them into an opportunity to be the old passive sappy you.  DO something, then you can blame him if it all goes to shit instead of taking it all on yourself.  You are awesome.  It won't be your fault if this doesn't work out, and as you have discovered it's not your only opportunity for good sex.  Good sex is 80% in your mind and 20% a competent partner.  Yeah, so you like him.  Do you want an inevitably on again off again drag me through the rosebush relationship?  Nope, I didn't think so.

Screwing a 35 yo dude?  Not sure how I feel about that.  Screwing a 35 yo dude who's never been with an "older" woman?  Could be a psychologically traumatic experience for yours truly.  Only if he's as asshole, though, and I should be able to figure that out before we hop in the sack.

Retrospective

Remember this? 
Haaaaarrrgghh.