Drinking the Koolaid

Roller derby is a force to be reckoned with.  It is a fantastic way to stay in shape, meet new people and have a hell of a good time.  But it can quickly spiral out of control.

It's the drug that fixes everything for me.  It takes away my hangover, my cold symptoms, my bone-deep fatigue, my angst about my kids and my personal life...  I notice none of these things while skating.  Yes, it can be frustrating when you're tring for the 27th time to weave through cones and you're sure you'll NEVER get it.  When you want to jump in the air and your legs refuse to cooperate and actually bend.  But the speed, the hitting, the sense of control - the adrenalin rush is a potent, addictive drug.

The social aspect is something else entirely.  Derby culture is like a cult.  Before you know it, you're going out after practice on a Wednesday night, rolling in at 1 am, and dragging your ass back out of bed at 6:30 to go to work.  Two days later you're out until 3, hammered.  and maybe the night after that too. 

And it's not just the lifestyle, it's how the attitudes of these women rub off on you so quickly.  If you had told me a year ago that I would be taking the subway dressed in a pair of holey tights and a running skirt that barely clears my ass I would have laughed uproariously.  Now my only concern is that I don't freeze to death.  I'm not saying this is a bad thing - I'm all about havng a positive body image but it sure is different, especially for me, suzy conservative.

And then there's the sex thing.  Derby girls have a reputation for being, um... skanky hos.  This is coming from men.  I think they have there wires crossed as most derby girls aren't even interested in  men, and those who are have a hard time finding men to skank with, so filled with women are the venues we tend to frequent.  But the woman-on-woman action is unbelievable.  I don't want to generalize either lesbians or derby girls, but most of the women I have run across have a very broad sens of what is acceptable behaviour.  Now I kind of like this.  I think it's refreshing that they can do pretty much whatever they want and not be judged for it.  (I'm going to assume that there is some sort of understanding between partners about what is or is not acceptable.)  I used t be very uptight and moralistc about "relationships" and what constituted "acceptable" standards of practice, but this has changed a lot lately.  (It's not all to do with derby and there is a lot of stuff I have come to believe that I would never discuss with my "conventional" friends as I know they'd think I was nuts, but I have changed a lot.  For the better, I think.  Theory is one thing - I might have to see what happens if it ever gets put into practice.)

Anyway... the point of this is that your perspective tends to get skewed after a while.  Throwing women into the mix as more-than-friends is weird.  No longer is there that safe space of friendship, when women (notoriously judgmental bitches) only judge you on your looks and attitudes and shoes, now it's on your potential as a prospective hook-up as well.  You start to think that you have to have good hair and clothing around them, not only when you're looking to impress the opposite sex.  What a chore.  And it makes conversation (difficult enough for someone as socially stunted as myself) even more difficult.  Who needs that?

This is so high school, I know.  And for someone of my age it's ridiculous.  Still, it sneaks up on you and you don't realize how far of the path you've strayed until all of a sudden you've humiliated your best friend and are making out with a virtual stranger in a dive bar.

Reality check, dudes.  There is too much of a good thing.  I'm sticking with the sport and camaraderie aspect of derby and leaving the rest behind me.  

Not to mention the fact that anything non-derby tends to get the shaft when consumed by the obsession.  Housework, hobbies, OTHER FRIENDS.  You did things before derby and you can do things as well as derby.  There's a reason you don't put all your eggs in one basket.

But I have improved my ability to apologize, something I'm not very good at.  I guess that's a good thing.  I'd rather improve my ability to relate to people, to deal with adversity, so I don't have to apologize so much.