Bare minimum

I figure I should talk about this today.  Tomorrow might be messy...

Tomorrow I make a mighty attempt to pass the WFTDA minimum skills test.  These are *minimum* skills, designed not to make you a great derby player, but to stop you hurting yourself or others when out on the track learning to be a great derby player.  Some are sensible - weaving through the pack, avoiding sudden obstacles, skating next to people, being bumped etc etc.  Some seem pretty arbitrary - hits and whips?  Should these be part of *minimum* skills?  I don't know.  I can see both viewpoints.  Weaving through cones on one leg is the one that's going to bite me in the ass.  If I spend a hour warming up, doing it over and over, I can usually manage a somewhat acceptable approximation of the weave.  Today at practice was a fucking joke.  OK, the were too close together, but I couldn't even do every second one.  I was prepared to take a zero on this, but you can't get a zero.  On anything.  Fuck.  I guess I shall have to try and find a time space to warm myself up and hope to god the winds are blowing in my favour.  I don't want to fail on that alone.

Har - there are SO many things I could fail on.  Plow stops, hip checks (giving - I can take a moderate one just fine), jumping, ohmygod the jumping.  I mananged it today by gluing my eyes on the Chicks sign that was directly across on the opposite wall but I think that was a miracle.  Throw in some stress and I may well end up on my ass.

Fresh Meat was somewhat of a cluster-fuck, if you ask me.  Too disorganized, no one seemed to know what the ultimate goal was.  Shouldn't they have been concentrating on teaching us the things we need to know to pass the test?  Some things we didn't do even ONCE (yes I'm talking about you, jumping from foot to foot while moving).  Nobody talked at ALL about skate adjustment and that is MANDATORY for things like weaving.  If you trucks are fucked you can't do it at all - it's like trying to bend a fork with your mind and Kreskin I am not.  My trucks were so tight I couldn't turn at all - AT ALL - and I gnashed my teeth about my complete lack of skill for AGES.  When Coach Paulie swapped my cushions and adjusted my trucks it was like a choir of angels was singing in my head.  I looked down, shifted my weight and the wheels TURNED like I had a steering wheel.  Halle fucking lujah.  Ya thing we could have covered this in the first few weeks?  Sigh.  Seems to be in better hands now but it's too late for us Freshies.

Speaking of stress... lets discuss my mother.  As we all know, she has not been very supportive of my derby aspirations from the get-go.  Roller blading as she STILL calls it.  It seems irrelevant to her that it's fun, social, excellent exercise and makes me SO happy.  I have NEVER done organized sport and have been a couch potato for most of my adult life.  You would think she would be delighted to see me getting off my fat ass and doing something.  But no.  As best I can tell, the problem is that derby is not a socially acceptable activity.  One step up from cockfighting, as she said (and has been oft quoted!).  God forbid she has to tell her friends what her dear daughter does for fun.  Seriously?  When is she going to get over this?

So this weekend is our final test, plus we had a practice today and I was supposed to volunteer for a game tonight.  I asked her if she'd do Saturday instead of Sunday since it was basically the whole day.  Nope.  That, apparently, was too much to ask.  Too much to ask a grandparent to look after her youngest grandchildren.  In contrast, the kids down the street (all four of them) were left with their grandparents overnight.  Why me?  Why do I get the grinchy grandmother?

So my stress level was through the roof this week.  On Thursday I basically begged Carolyn to look after the boys for the four hours today.  She semi-reluctantly volunteered her husband, but only I asked directly and said I was desperate.  Paul was great, completely unphased and I owe him huge.

So - tomorrow.  Will I pass?  Will I flame out?  Will I just fail by a whisker (which would be even worse)?  I hold out high hope for Miko, Michelle (wishes for Melinda's speedy recovery!) and the portugese princess, but me not so much.  Too old, too timid, to cautious.

In reality I don't have the time for the level of commitment ToRD demands.  I don't want to be a derby superstar but I do want to play.  I want to do more and more until skating is like biking is for me - a natural reflexive activity that I don't even have to think about.  Then I can hit, dodge, deke and feint like it's meant to be.  THAT's the fun stuff.  The game.  So I want to pass.  Yes, I can go to elsewhere and probably get in with little problem, but I'd rather pass the stupid test and keep my options open.

However, if I fail the written test I will be devastated.  I'm an academic, not a jock.  I've studied this stuff more than anyone I know.  I WANT to pass the written.  I'm going to bawl regardless of what I fail but I'm going to feel like a real loser if I fail the written.  I'm kinds glad I have the kids so I don't have to worry about bailing out of celebratory activities.  They're my derby gals, they rock my world.  I've never met such an awesome, positive, supportive bunch who tolerate my moods and crustiness, but still.  Sometimes you just gotta hole up and lick your wounds alone.

I am looking forward to a free weekend, though.